A Clean Break
by Mizvoy
Summary: Once Voyager returns to the AQ, only one member of the crew goes to prison. JC Post Endgame


Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and its characters are the property of Paramount. No infringement is intended.

Summary: Following Voyager's return to the AQ, the court has its way with a certain member of the crew. J/C

Note: This story was originally written during season six, long before Endgame. However, while I have attempted to bring it into line with the final season of Voyager, I have ignored the events of the movie Nemesis.

A Clean Break by Mizvoy

"Guilty."

The verdict echoed through Chakotay's mind and shook the very foundations of his soul. He felt numb and encased in silence in spite of the pandemonium that broke out in the courtroom. Reporters crawled all over each other in their haste to be first to file their reports on the trial. The members of the Voyager crew in attendance shouted and cried out in disbelief and dismay. Chakotay was so deafened by the tumult that he had to read the judge's lips as she handed down a ten-year sentence. He couldn't breathe.

Ten years in prison after seven years of exile in the Delta Quadrant was more than he could imagine. The crew had dreamed of free time and a chance to decompress in the company of family and friends, and to have that torn away so completely was heartbreaking.

Hours later, he still couldn't believe it. The events since the trial ended were a confusing blur, but, somehow, he ended up at the Department of Corrections processing center where convicted criminals were prepared for transport to the site designated for their long-term confinement. A guard silently escorted him into an interview room where he sat quietly staring through the barely visible force field at the huge metal door in the opposite wall. He tried to imagine ten years trapped in a tiny cell or living a life of limited scope on a Federation penal colony. The thought of it made him physically sick. The security camera in the corner was trained on him, robbing him even of the possibility for privacy when he was alone.

The door opened slightly and Kathryn Janeway slipped into the room. She stared at him, her face impassive, and let him study her in return. The orange prison fatigues she wore were at least three sizes too large, the sleeves and legs tightly rolled to let her hands and feet extend beyond them. The effect was to make her already petite body look waif-like and fragile. Her hair had been cut very short, her face had been scrubbed clean, leaving the much-despised freckles in plain view, and her eyes were red with tears and dark with lost sleep. She wore beige plastic slippers instead of the usual Starfleet issue boots and seemed to have shrunk six inches in height. Gone was the air of confidence, the aura of self- assurance, the larger-than-life persona of the captain he knew so well.

He didn't know what to say to her, so he waited patiently, sensing that she too was struggling to control her emotions. She would start the conversation when she was ready. She had, after all, asked him to come see her before she was locked away.

"Thank you for consenting to come," she said finally, as she took the three steps to her side of the desk and sat down. She laced her fingers on the surface in front of her in a futile effort to keep him from seeing how they trembled. The force field's distortions made it difficult for him to tell whether she had tears in her eyes or whether their unusual glitter was an effect of the field itself, but her voice was calm and controlled.

"Kathryn, I wanted to see you."

"They're sending me to New Zealand." She laughed mirthlessly, and he realized that it was the field distortion he was seeing. She had an iron control of her emotions, he told himself, and would never let him see her cry. "Ironic, isn't it? I took Tom Paris from New Zealand when we went to the Badlands to find the Maquis. Now that we're back, he's free and I'm in the one residing there."

"More cruel than ironic, I'd say. But I'm relieved that you'll be close by. It'll be easier for us to visit you if you stay on Earth."

She looked up, and he saw pain and humiliation in her eyes. "Us?"

"Your mother, Phoebe, the Voyager crew . . . "

"No," she interrupted him, her voice cold. "Just Mom and Phoebe."

"But, Kathryn . . ."

"I don't want anyone from the crew to see me in prison garb doing laundry or cleaning latrines or policing the grounds!" She stood up and paced back and forth in the tiny room, finally burying her face in her hands. "A clean break is the best thing."

He couldn't believe his ears. "A clean break?"

"I've been kicked out of Starfleet. I've been convicted of breaking the Prime Directive, of putting my ship and crew in peril of death. I'm a criminal. A convicted criminal."

"So am I," he replied quietly. He watched her pace, wishing he could break through the barrier and shake her. He stood up and leaned on both hands, so close to the force field that he could feel his eyebrows prickle. "In the eyes of the crew, you're a hero! Don't let the opinion of those self- satisfied, pompous admirals overwhelm your self-esteem! They wouldn't have lasted ten minutes in the Delta Quadrant, much less get the ship home in just seven years! You worked a miracle, and every Voyager crew member respects and admires you for it."

She collapsed into the chair. "At least Tom and the Maquis were pardoned." She looked up at him, this time with tears shimmering in her eyes. "At least you're free, Chakotay."

"What good is my freedom when you're in here? Do you think I'll enjoy being free when I know that you aren't?"

She was quiet a long while, studying his face, his hands, his body as if she were trying to memorize him. "Thank God you've moved on."

"'Moved on'?" he repeated, suddenly wary. "What are you talking about?"

She sat up straight; he could see her command habits reasserting themselves as she focused on what had to be done. "I put you off all these years, Chakotay. I can't have you waste another ten waiting for my release. The admiral told me about you and Seven. I'm glad you've found someone to take care of and someone to care for you. You should pursue that."

"I think that's my decision."

"Not if you have some insane notion about waiting for me!" she snapped back, suddenly energized. "I want a clean break. Today. Right now."

He felt sick, finally understanding why she had summoned him to visit her so quickly. "Do you mean to tell me that you don't want me to visit you either?"

"Aren't you part of the crew?"

"But, Kathryn, you can't mean it."

She stared at him unblinking. "I do mean it."

"You expected something like this all along, didn't you?"

"Of course I did. Even my future self knew I'd go to prison if we returned this early. It was part of the bargain. She gave her life for the crew, and I go to prison." She gave him a crooked smile. "I knew I'd be court martialed the moment I destroyed the Caretaker's array, and I knew with each tough decision that I'd lengthened my sentence. The Hirogen. The Devore. The Borg. The Equinox. After awhile, I just stopped worrying about it."

"Is that why you kept me at a distance all those years? Because you knew you'd be put in jail when we got home?"

"Not really. You know that we could never have managed a relationship while you were my first officer. And, frankly, I needed you more as my exec than as anything else." She rubbed her face, exhausted. "It just doesn't matter any more."

He tried to control his mounting anger. "I thought we agreed when we left New Earth that once we were home we'd allow our relationship to develop!"

"We never actually agreed to any such thing, Chakotay, and you know it. And anyway, that was before Seven. What about her?"

He caught his breath, wishing the admiral had kept her mouth shut. Once Voyager was home, once Kathryn was charged with such serious crimes, he couldn't imagine not supporting her, couldn't think of abandoning her when she needed him most. He'd nipped the relationship in the bud, while it was still so tenuous that Seven hadn't even complained. "That's over."

"Why did you call it off? Because of me?" She shook her head.

"I think that what I do with my life is my decision."

"Not if your decision is in some way based on me, it isn't. I can't be there for you."

"I'll come to visit you."

"Chakotay, I don't want to see you. Forget me. Seven can make you happy, give you children, be a comfort to you. If not Seven, then someone else, anyone else. I won't see you again."

His eyes widened. "What are you saying? What do you mean, you won't see me again?"

She looked away, unwilling to face the pain in his eyes. "After today, I'll see only Mom and Phoebe."

"What about the rest of us who care about you? What about Tuvok, Tom and B'Elanna, Harry, Seven?"

"Tell them I died."

"Kathryn, you can't mean that."

She glanced at the door behind her. "Our time's almost up, and I still have something you must hear. Now listen to me." Her voice took on the command tone he knew so well. "I kept my promise. I got the ship and crew home, and I'm ready and willing to pay the price for doing that. But it has to be on my terms. It has to be this way. Don't think for a minute that I don't value and treasure our years together. The Voyager crew means the world to me. Our friendship has been wonderful, special, at times intoxicating. But, it's over. The Kathryn Janeway you knew died doing her job. Let her go."

"I can't! I won't!" he cried out. "I can't let you go. Don't you know how much I love you? If I could have let you go, Kathryn, I would have done it years ago. I would stay with Seven or find someone else. I don't want anyone else."

She covered her ears. "No. I won't hear this. I can't endure living in prison if I know that your life has stopped because of me. I never meant that you should wait for me for so many years. I never meant to promise anything about what would happen once we got home. Accept the fact that it will never happen. Be happy with Seven. That will make the next ten years bearable for me."

The guard opened the door and peered in at them. "Your time is up."

"One more minute," Chakotay begged, his voice hoarse with emotion. "Kathryn, Seven and I haven't had a date since Voyager returned! Maybe it would've worked out on Voyager, but here . . . well, everything's changed. We've both moved on." She stood there, staring down at her clenched hands. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me, that you never loved me."

She buried her face in her hands and mumbled, "It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me. I won't let you do this."

She slumped in the chair, broken and nearly in tears. "How can I convince you to move on?"

"Tell me you don't love me," he demanded. "Convince me of it."

She looked at him thoughtfully for a long time, and then she stood up as the female guard walked up to her and took her right arm. He watched her detach herself from the drama of the moment the way she had done a thousand times on the bridge, distancing herself from the raw emotion of disaster, grief, and danger so she could give the orders she needed to give in a calm, confident manner. Her eyes narrowed and she exuded a command presence that caught the guard by surprise. Without thinking, the guard dropped Kathryn's arm and stared at her in shock, as if she were awaiting an order from her own commanding officer.

"Very well, Commander," Kathryn said, looking him in the eye. "If that's what it will take to force you to get on with your life, then I can easily comply. I don't love you. I never loved you. No matter what you thought, no matter how you felt, it was always one-sided. I would never for a moment consider having a relationship with you, not then, and not now."

She held his gaze until, heartbroken, he'd looked away, ashamed of the tears that stung his eyes. Then she turned, nodded at the guard, and walked through the door without looking back.

The sound of that door slamming haunted Chakotay's dreams for months.

* * *

Six months later, the Voyager crew gathered for the celebration of their first anniversary in the Alpha Quadrant. Chell catered the affair with dishes Neelix had fixed during their journey, including the much maligned leola root, which had become a sensation at his DQ Café in Oakland. Most of the crew managed to attend, bringing with them the wives, husbands, and family they'd missed for so long. But the party was subdued. The crew's captain was in prison, and its first officer had not yet appeared.

"Where is he?" B'Elanna Torres asked her husband, Tom Paris. "He promised me he'd come."

"This reunion has got to be tough on Chakotay, with the captain in prison," he answered. "Imagine how you'd feel if I were in prison."

"They were the command team, Tom. One of them has to be here."

"Yeah, you're right. They always put the ship and crew ahead of their own desires."

She laughed. "Tom Paris, you're such a pig. You still think they had a thing going on?"

"Look at all the time they spent together."

"They were running a starship in the worst possible situation! Who else would they spend time with? Besides, Chakotay would've told me if they were involved."

"Not hardly."

Before she could reply, Harry Kim joined them, carrying a bowl of leola root stew. "You know, I can almost enjoy this stuff after a twelve month break." He paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth. "Did I interrupt something?"

B'Elanna nodded at Paris. "Miss Loneliheart here was trying to convince me that there was something going on between the captain and Chakotay."

Kim tasted the stew and frowned, putting his bowl down with obvious disgust. "I think I need another twelve months."

"It'll take me another twelve years," Tom said laughing.

Harry leaned toward the couple. "I was talking with the captain's sister a few minutes ago. Guess who's been to New Zealand every visitor's day for the last six months."

"Mrs. Janeway?" B'Elanna guessed, taking an elbow from Tom for her obvious answer.

"Well, probably. But, so has Chakotay."

Tom gave his wife a superior smile. "I told you, B'Elanna."

"But, the captain refuses to see him," Harry added.

"She won't see us either," B'Elanna complained. "We've tried at least three times to see her, but she always says no."

"I know. I've tried a few times, too. But Chakotay has tried every two weeks for six months."

The three friends pondered the significance of this information when they saw Chakotay enter the room with Gretchen Janeway on his arm. "Speak of the devil," Tom said, directing their gazes to the door. "Who has the guts to confront him about it?"

Nobody answered.

B'Elanna found herself seated by Chakotay during the dinner and took the opportunity to catch up with his life. She and Tom were living on Mars and working at Utopia Planetia, so there had been very little opportunity for visits.

"I thought you might stay in Starfleet and go back to deep space," B'Elanna commented. "Or even return to Dorvan and check on any surviving Maquis and help with the reconstruction."

He looked away. She noticed that he'd lost weight, that his hair was streaked with silver, that his eyes were haunted. "I decided to stay on Earth."

She put her hand on his. "I know how you feel. You find it hard to leave the Voyager family behind."

Their eyes locked. "Something like that."

She saw the pain in his expression and sensed his need to talk. "When this meal's over, how about a long walk on the balcony?"

"I'd like that," he agreed. "I could use the fresh air."

After dinner, B'Elanna caught Tom's eye as she and Chakotay made their way outside. They had all been concerned about his reserved manner and physical condition, and Tom hoped that B'Elanna, as Chakotay's oldest friend, could help him overcome whatever was bothering him.

The night was warm and the air fragrant with the odor of blooming lilacs. They walked along the balcony railing until they found a bench and sat down.

"That was a touching speech you gave, Chakotay," B'Elanna said. "You were so right. Most of us are still adjusting to the idea of home, and we do need to use each other to keep our balance in the meantime. I'm lucky to have Tom."

Chakotay smiled. "He's lucky to have you." He took a deep breath of the flowers. "Spring is my favorite season. I love the way the plants come back to life, the promise of a new beginning."

B'Elanna thought a moment, then plunged ahead, "It isn't spring everywhere. It's fall in New Zealand."

Chakotay stiffened. "Is it that obvious?"

She put her arm around his waist. "No, not really. It's just that Phoebe Janeway told Harry about your regular trips to the penal colony."

"She refuses to see me, B'Elanna. She won't even let her mom and sister talk to her about me. She won't read my messages."

"A clean break."

His laugh was bitter. "Her words exactly."

She suddenly felt the old anger rising. "How could they do that to her, Chakotay? How could Starfleet put her in prison? They have no idea what we faced out there or how hard she tried to do the right thing. She gets the crew home against all the odds, and they decide to punish her for working a miracle. Why?"

"I wish I understood. I miss her. I was used to seeing her every day, talking with her about every little event. I feel like someone cut off my right arm."

She studied his profile, finally letting herself see what was right before her eyes. "Oh, my God, Chakotay. You are in love with her!"

He gave her a long, sad look. "I've always loved her," he admitted, "almost from the first day, but for sure after we were stranded together on New Earth."

"Tom always suspected you two were an item."

He smiled. "He was wrong. We were never a couple. I learned my lesson with Seska, and Kathryn wouldn't even consider getting involved with her first officer. With her, I was playing for keeps. I thought once we got home . . . "

"Chakotay, I'm so sorry. Now we're home, and she's gone for another ten years."

He slumped toward her, and she pulled him into an embrace, comforting him as struggled to control his emotions. She held him until the tears stopped, and then she asked, "How does the captain feel?"

He shook his head. "She won't admit how she feels, and right now she's in too much pain to think about it. She's humiliated and angry about being in prison, and too hurt and embarrassed to let anyone help her."

"I can just imagine. What are you going to do?"

"I just try to get through one day at a time. I just hope she'll change her mind."

"She expects you to move on, right?"

"That's what she told me to do, but I can't, B'Elanna. I've tried and failed too many times. I'll have to wait and see if she'll ever reciprocate my love for her."

"She'd be a fool not to, Chakotay."

Tom Paris peeked through the balcony door. "There you are. Mrs. Janeway is looking for you, Chakotay. She says she's worn out and that you promised to take her home."

"She's a little uncertain of herself going home this late," Chakotay explained. "We've gotten to know each other pretty well on our trips to New Zealand, and I like to help her when I can."

Paris extended his hand. "Come see us. Don't be a stranger."

"Thanks, Tom. B'Elanna."

The couple watched Chakotay walk away.

"How bad is it, B'Elanna?"

"He's in love with her."

"And the captain?"

"He's not sure."

"Poor guy."

* * *

Kathryn Janeway stepped into the visitor lounge and made her way to a tiny gray-haired woman sitting on the porch. "Hi, Mom."

"Kathryn, dear. I brought you some coffee." She handed her daughter a large steaming mug watched as her daughter sipped it with her eyes closed in ecstasy. "Here, sit down."

Kathryn sat down across from her mother and smiled. "Have you heard from Phoebe?"

"She and Matt have found a home on Delta Theta V, and she has a job teaching art at the secondary school while Matt consults on the new Starfleet facility being built there."

"You must miss her, Mom."

"She was a big help, but she's really been gone for more than a year. I'm glad she's found someone who truly loves her. I expected her to get married and move away eventually." She paused to study her older daughter. "Have you been given your new work assignment?"

"Now that spring's here, I'm gardening again. But, they're letting me continue some of my research, too."

"I can't imagine where you learned to enjoy gardening. You hated it as a child."

Kathryn set her coffee on the table, her face thoughtful. "I guess I learned to like it while stranded on a planet in the Delta Quadrant. A storm destroyed most of my scientific equipment, so I had to find something constructive to do to keep myself from going crazy."

"You must have been stranded for awhile to get a garden started."

"We were there nearly two months."

"We?"

"My first officer and I."

Her mother frowned. "You can say his name, Kathryn."

"Mother, don't start," she said, standing up and walking to the low wall that surrounded the porch. "Did you bring some lunch, or are we doing the cafeteria today?"

"A picnic. Fried chicken. Potato salad. Deviled eggs. Chocolate cake. Lemonade. I'd hoped for a sunny spring day."

"Your wish came true," Kathryn gushed, anxious to get outside and start eating her mother's delicious cooking. "I know the perfect spot for a picnic, and I can show you my garden on the way."

They strolled through the gardens until they arrived at a picnic table in a secluded, shady spot. Later, when the remains of the meal littered the table, Kathryn said, "Mom, everything's delicious. I think I finally appreciate your preference for non-replicated food. Did you know I'm going to learn to cook? I'm going to take some training in food preparation."

"I don't believe it."

"And I volunteered to work in the kitchens. I'll want some of your favorite recipes so I can adapt them for our unit."

"Gladly. I'm thrilled, Kathryn. Gardening and now cooking. What next?"

Kathryn studied her mother as she relaxed, noticing how fragile the older woman had become in the two years since Voyager's return. Her skin was translucent, her hands splotchy, her walk unsteady. She realized with a start that Gretchen was well into her eighties, yet still lived on the farm, alone in a huge house, with a yard and a barn to care for. "Mom, I wish I could be there to help you with the farm and house. Maybe you should consider moving into the city."

"I'm getting by, sweetie."

"Do you still have Sean Dunwood to help?"

"He does the farm, and Lillian Greene helps me shop and keep the house clean."

"You know, Mom, you don't have to transport down here every other week. I think I've adjusted pretty well to my confinement. I have lots to do. You must find it tiring coming here and lugging all this food."

"Oh, I don't do it all myself."

Kathryn smiled. The inmates knew their families became friends over the years, meeting regularly as they traveled to and from the prison. "I guess the same people come every week. You've found a friend."

"You could say that."

"Did you get the back door fixed?"

"You mean the dog door? Yes, it's installed. Shadow loves it and has almost worn it out."

"Did Sean put it in for you?"

"No, I have a new handyman who comes around. He even cooks."

Kathryn couldn't help but smile to think of her mother having a beau at her age. "Mom, that's great news. Anyone I know?"

"Yes, you know him," Gretchen answered mysteriously. "He even comes down here with me to help me carry things and keep me company on the trip."

Kathryn narrowed her eyes. "This sounds serious, Mom. Why haven't you introduced him? Is this a someone who might be joining the family?"

Her mother laughed. "Hardly. He's closer to your age than mine."

"Did I go to school with him?"

"Not that I know of."

"Am I ever going to meet this mysterious stranger?" Kathryn could not bear a mystery and was perplexed at her mother's uncharacteristic secrecy. "Is he here now? Why on earth didn't you ask him to eat with us?"

"Do you really want to know who it is?"

She had a sudden feeling of foreboding. "S-sure," she stammered.

"It's Chakotay."

Kathryn froze in disbelief. "What? I don't believe it! You're letting him hang around the house?"

"It isn't like that."

"Mom, he's had a crush on me, an adolescent crush, for years. I was hoping he'd be married by now." She stood up, trying to hold her temper. "I can't believe that you've betrayed me like this. My own mother!"

"Kathryn, please let me explain." Gretchen followed her daughter to a fence that surrounded the garden plots. "He came here with us, Phoebe and me, for months right after the trial, hoping to see you, and we were very curious about him. He seemed lonely and distraught, so we started talking to him. Eventually, we asked him to come home with us for dinner. He seemed so gentle and kind."

"Mom, I can't believe I'm hearing this. I asked you to avoid him."

"No, you never told us to avoid him. You said I shouldn't talk to you about him, and I haven't."

"But you've let him insinuate his way into your life? Our lives?" she shouted.

"I needed help, Kathryn, and Chakotay needed to help someone. He has no family, you know, no one to think about. No one to think about him. When Phoebe started spending so much time with Matt and then Dennis Larimore retired, I needed someone to help me take care of things."

"So he's been to our house."

"I cook for him, every so often, and he does things I need to have done but can't do anymore. He puts in flowers, rakes leaves, repairs equipment, builds shelves, whatever needs to be done. Sometimes, he cooks for me."

"How long?"

"Almost a year."

"Good grief, Mom. A year? Since the beginning?"

"He helped me fix and pack the lunch today and he carries everything to the transport station. Once I'm settled in the lounge here, he leaves. I have no idea what he does to pass the time, but he'll be waiting for me when we're through and will help me get everything back home again. These trips would be impossible without him."

"So cut back, like I said earlier. From now on, just come once a month and plan to eat in the cafeteria. If you don't have to carry all this food, you can come alone."

Gretchen frowned. "Well, I won't."

Kathryn was stunned by her mother's defiance. "Why not? I'm busy. I'm settled in. After all this time I don't need to put you out by having you come to New Zealand every two weeks to check on me. It's asking too much of you."

"Chakotay would still come even if I didn't, and, frankly, I enjoy making the trip with him. I enjoy his company. After all these years of doing things on my own, I don't want to give that up."

"Mother! You've fallen for him!"

Gretchen blushed and laughed. "So what if I have? I'm not going to do anything about it! I smile just thinking about his dimples and the delightful stories he tells. I like the man, Kathryn, and I trust him. I'm alone now that Phoebe is gone, and so is he. What's wrong with two lonely people doing things together?"

"Because you're keeping him from getting on with his life." Kathryn rubbed her temples as she felt the beginning of a tension headache. Her mother's comments sounded like her own thoughts when she was in the Delta Quadrant, her own attraction and affection for Chakotay. "I feel like he's stalking me."

"He never presses me for information about you. He just wants to know if you're okay, and then we talk about everything else but you."

She looked around, aware of the fact that they were out in the open, visible from several vantage points off the facility. "Does he spy on us?"

"I've never seen him spying, have you?" She saw how uncomfortable her daughter was and sighed. "I should never have told you about him. I didn't realize how much he meant to you, although Phoebe warned me."

"Phoebe warned you about what?"

"Phoebe said you were in love with Chakotay, but I didn't believe it. Why would you treat someone you love so cruelly? I thought I'd taught you better."

Kathryn stiffened. "I've never been cruel to him."

"Oh really? I call total rejection cruel, especially since you care for him."

"I do not 'care for him,' and I have not been cruel to anyone, Mother. Besides, this is none of your business, you know."

"Oh yes it is. He's my friend, too. Every time we come to New Zealand, he goes to the desk to see if his name is on the list of people allowed to see you, and every week the answer is no. The desk clerk is so used to him that she can hardly bear to disappoint him. He just shakes his head sadly and helps me get myself settled in the lounge so we can be together. It was his idea to get you the coffee today."

Kathryn felt tears welling in her eyes and turned away from her mother to keep her from seeing how upset she was. How she longed to see him, to hear his voice. She missed him terribly, constantly, and even found herself talking to him as she worked in her garden or exercised in the gym. But, it was wrong of her to hold on to a hopeless dream, wrong to keep him from moving on with his life.

No. She couldn't get upset in front of her mother. She took several deep breaths and turned to Gretchen with a smile on her face. "Do what you want about him, I can't stop you. But don't be surprised if you regret it someday. And don't come next time, Mother. I need to think about this. I'll see you in four weeks."

Her mother protested as they packed the picnic away and walked back to the administration building, yet Kathryn wouldn't be swayed. Finally, Gretchen reluctantly agreed, even though she protested that Chakotay would come without her.

"That's his decision, Mom. Not yours. I want to start a new visiting schedule, one that's less taxing on you," she explained, giving her a hug and kiss. "Maybe just once a month. I'll write you, instead. And no more elaborate picnics."

Gretchen Janeway watched her stubborn daughter march away and knew how angry and upset she was because Gretchen had befriended her former first officer. She should never have mentioned his name. Now Kathryn was going to isolate herself even more than she already had, and that was the last thing she needed.

* * *

Kathryn was working in the garden on visiting day two weeks later when she heard her name called over the loudspeaker. She wiped the dirt from her hands and walked to the administration building to meet her visitor. She knew her mother would respect her wishes and stay away for another two weeks, so this could only be one other person--Chakotay. She had prepared herself for this meeting and was ready to confront him about his unusual attachment to her mother.

That morning she had added Chakotay's name to the visitor's list.

She approached the visitor's lounge carefully, hoping to keep him from seeing her initial reaction to his presence. She paused outside the door and peered in as other inmates and their visitors brushed past her.

Chakotay stood in front of the huge windows of the lounge looking out into the gardens. He seemed taller and thinner than she remembered, and his hair was longer and sprinkled with silver, but he stood with the easy, athletic grace she remembered so well. He was dressed in casual clothing that brought out the bronze tones of his skin. Although he faced the window, she could see his tattoo in the reflection, the dark mystery of his eyes, and the sensual mouth with the hint of his devastating dimples.

She stepped back into the shadows to compose herself. Even from thirty feet away and through the poor view afforded by the window's reflection, he affected her deeply. The months and years of daily familiarity on Voyager had helped her repress the natural attraction she felt toward him, an attraction that was apparently back in full force after their long separation. She reminded herself that she would have to remain in control of her emotions throughout their conversation, or he would have an undue advantage.

Kathryn took a deep breath and entered the room. Immediately, Chakotay turned and watched her approach him, as if he were already aware of her presence. She stopped in front of him and looked up. He was taller than she remembered, probably because of the flat shoes she wore while gardening, but she wasn't about to let his height bother her in the least.

"Hello, Chakotay," she said, amazed at the quiet assurance in her voice.

"Hello yourself," he replied, looking her squarely in the eye.

They regarded each other in silence for a long while before Kathryn gestured toward a sofa. "Would you like to sit down?"

Chakotay smiled, and her heart jumped at the sight of his familiar dimples. "Actually, I'd prefer a walk in the garden. I've always seen them from outside the grounds and would enjoy a closer view."

"Fine," she said. "We'll walk."

They strolled down the stairs and into the garden in silence, and Kathryn found herself becoming more nervous with every step. She reminded herself that silence is a tool used to disarm an opponent in negotiations and conversations; Chakotay could be just as nonplussed by her silence as she was by his. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and saw that he was completely relaxed and unconcerned. Damn the man.

"You saw me watching you from outside the lounge," she said at last, breaking the silence.

He gave her a quick glance. "I was waiting for you." He smiled. "It's fairly normal for you to size up the situation before you burst into it. The convex mirror above the window looks right down the hall. I saw you as soon as you entered the building."

She sighed. "I forgot about that mirror."

"So, why today, Kathryn?"

"I'm sure you know why."

"I haven't a clue."

Her anger flared. "Don't toy with me. You know why my mother didn't come this week, don't you?"

"She said she didn't feel well."

Kathryn turned to face him, her blue eyes flashing with her growing anger. "She didn't come because I told her not to."

Chakotay was not intimidated in the least; in fact, he seemed completely surprised. "Why would you do that?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Please don't insult my intelligence. She told you about our argument last week."

His eyes narrowed as he finally understood the problem. "She told me nothing about her meeting with you. We never discuss you, Kathryn, because you've asked her not to."

She found herself shouting. "You expect me to believe that?"

He took her by the arm and led her to a nearby bench, forcing her to sit down beside him. "Whether you believe it or not, Kathryn, is up to you. It's the truth. You asked her not to talk to me about you, and she doesn't."

"You've been to my house."

"Your mother's house in Indiana? Yes, I've been there."

"I told you to leave me alone."

"You weren't there for me to bother, Kathryn."

"You're stalking me."

He laughed. "I befriended your mother and sister. I've helped them deal with a very difficult situation."

"You're encroaching on my life."

"How can I have encroached on your life if you're just now finding out about that I'm your mother's friend?"

"I told you to stay away from me, Chakotay!"

He sagged against the back of the bench and closed his eyes. "At first, maybe I did seek Gretchen out because she was your mother, but not for long. Do you realize how all this has affected her?" He opened his eyes. "Of course, you don't. You were too busy when Voyager returned to observe her closely, and then you were sent here. She was devastated, heart- broken, and lost. You and Phoebe are all she has in this life."

"So you appointed yourself her counselor?"

"It's nothing like that. I help her carry her things to and from the transport station when she's coming to New Zealand. She's really pretty frail, Kathryn, and her health is failing. I soon realized that she needs help around the house, and, frankly, I need to help someone."

"What is it with you? You were a mother hen on Voyager, but at least then you were my first officer and it was your job. If you have this overwhelming 'need to help,' volunteer to be a big brother. Give tours at some museum."

"Kathryn, be fair. For a long time, I just helped her when she came to New Zealand. Then came the reunion."

"The Voyager reunion?"

He nodded. "Your mother was invited and wanted very much to go, but she was intimidated by the idea of meeting your crew, especially in light of your conviction. So I offered to be her date."

"And you charmed her."

"She mentioned that she needed help around the house. I repaired her refrigeration unit. She paid me in butterscotch brownies. I mulched the roses. She fixed pot roast. I painted the study. She knitted me a sweater. I fixed my vegetarian lasagna. She mended my favorite jeans."

"And through all this, you expect me to believe that you didn't talk about me?"

"Those were her parameters, Kathryn, and I accepted them. I'm good at that, you know."

Suddenly furious, she stood up. "Don't play games with me. I want you to leave my mother alone. I don't want you in my house. I don't want you mulching roses or eating pot roasts or painting walls."

His voice was smooth and calm. "I think that's up to your mother."

"What god did I offend that put you around my neck for the rest of my life? You're taking advantage of a little old lady."

Now he was angry, and his voice was barely a whisper. "That's terribly unfair. You'd deprive your mother of a helpful friend? She's lonely, Kathryn, and she needs help. You know you can trust me to do right by her. Besides, neither you nor Phoebe is around to help her or be company to her."

"You're not family."

"I thought we were all family on Voyager."

"Don't you dare twist my words around. You know what I mean."

"Why does this bother you so much? If you're unhappy about it, pretend you never found out."

"Do you want me to seek legal recourse?"

"Oh, please, Kathryn. Phoebe knows all about our arrangement and has no problem with me helping your mother. I know all the neighbors and your extended family, and they like me just fine. You're the problem. Your bossiness and inflexibility." He could tell how angry she was and knew that she would never listen as long as she was in this mood. He decided to try another tactic. "Okay. Here's the reality of the situation. I show up every other Saturday and help her carry her things to the transport station. I come with her to the penal colony and leave her here to visit with you until she's ready to depart. We return to Indiana, where I put things away for her and we have dinner. I beam back to San Francisco Saturday night. When she needs help, maybe once a month, I beam to Indiana for dinner and a few chores. Period. That's the extent of it. What are you angry about?"

Kathryn forced herself to calm down, to put some of her frustration aside. "I'm not angry at all. I'm disappointed. I'd hoped that you would have moved on by now, maybe have a wife and a baby. Instead, I find out that you've been worming your way into my family."

"Moving on was your idea, Kathryn, not mine."

"I'm going to tell my mother to stop using you. How can you ever make a life for yourself if you spend every other weekend bringing her to New Zealand?"

"Oh, I have another life."

She regarded him coolly. "Really?"

"Really. I'm a professor of anthropology at Stanford. I've written two books about our experiences in the Delta Quadrant and one about the 21st century Mars mission. I'm a consultant with Starfleet on deep space missions, and I baby-sit whenever possible for Tom and B'Elanna's two children."

"You know that's not what I'm talking about."

"You mean women?" He grinned. "Well, I've never had problems finding companionship, current company excepted."

"Don't start." She tried to quell her burgeoning curiosity about the rest of the crew, and finally gave up. "Tom and B'Elanna have two children? Next you'll be telling me that Seven is a mother."

"No, but she's engaged to marry a Vulcan. Tuvok's distant cousin, Toran."

Chakotay suddenly wished he could snatch back his last few sentences. He watched as Kathryn took in the news he'd mentioned—his work, Tom and B'Elanna's family, Seven's marriage—and he realized that she had worked for months to insulate herself from this kind of information, to protect herself from the fact that life had truly gone on without her. In her mind, nothing had changed. They were all still just as they had been when Voyager returned, in a form of suspended animation that really meant that she had missed nothing important in their lives.

She turned away from him, hiding her face and studying the horizon as he tried to think of something else to say. "No more," she said, finally, her voice choked with emotion. "Don't say anything more, Chakotay. I don't want to know."

"They think you don't care."

"Tell them the captain sends her regards." She glanced back at him briefly and then walked away. "Don't come again."

He let her leave, even though he wanted to follow her, to apologize, to beg her to change her mind. As her figure disappeared among the trees, he remembered another time, another period of depression, when she'd locked herself away from the crew for two months, allowing only Chakotay, as her first officer, a fifteen-minute visit each day. Her quarters had always been dark, the starless windows like black velvet, her face a study in shadows. She would accept the PADDs he gave her, listen silently to his briefing, and then give him vague orders like "Maintain course" or "Tell B'Elanna to realign the plasma injectors." But she'd been unreachable, resistant, and following her recovery, she'd never really been the same person. "Tell the crew," she'd said when he'd begged her to return to duty, "that the Captain sends her regards."

Sad and discouraged, Chakotay walked slowly back to the visitor's center, sure that she would never let him see her again.

* * *

Kathryn Janeway was learning to cook, and with each passing day, she enjoyed it more. Armed with her mother's recipes, she mastered caramel brownies, lemon meringue pie, and corn bread dressing. She especially enjoyed cooking for her mother's visits. She would serve her mother one of her new creations and watch her face light up with enjoyment as she ate them. Gretchen had resumed her bimonthly visits, but she never mentioned whether Chakotay accompanied her nor did Kathryn ask. Their lives returned to the former routine as if their confrontation had never happened.

One day about two months after Chakotay's visit, Kathryn was summoned to the director's office just after lunch. She'd received a package from Starfleet, a small box containing three PADDs. Curious, she took them directly to her barracks and stowed them in her footlocker while she went about her afternoon duties, saving the package as a reward for her free time after dinner. The package filled her imagination as she weeded her garden and cleaned the mess hall. After months of silence, why would Starfleet suddenly send her something? What could they possibly contain?

Finally, once the day's work was over, she settled down on her bunk and opened the package. She stared at the PADDs in disbelief. They were actually from Chakotay, the three books he'd told he'd written, sent through Starfleet to keep her from refusing the package unopened as she usually did. A note attached to the package said, "I thought you might like some 'light' reading this winter." Angry at his continued interference in her life, she threw the books into the trash and went for a walk through the gardens until curfew.

Like all of the other prisoners, she shared her small cell, but her roommate was another discredited Starfleet officer named Rita Waldron, a young woman who had lied under oath about her involvement in a scheme to steal material from the Federation and sell it at an exorbitant profit to the Maquis. She'd asked Kathryn early on about the Maquis on Voyager, but had quickly learned that the subject of the ship and the Delta Quadrant were taboo. It was as if those seven years, the people on the ship, and the adventures of their journey had simply evaporated or had never happened at all. And so, when Rita found the discarded PADDs in the trash with the stories of Voyager's journey in fascinating detail, she read them with an intensity bordering on obsession.

Kathryn was eating dinner about a week later, when Rita sat down across from her and placed the PADDs between them on the table. "I didn't realize I was living with a hero," she commented as she started eating.

"What are those?" Kathryn demanded, even though she suspected the truth.

"I'm always looking for interesting reading material, so when I saw these three books in the trash, I decided to read them."

Furious, Kathryn could feel her face turning red. "You had no right to those. They were mine."

"You threw them away. I just salvaged them from the trash." She pushed them toward her. "If you haven't done so, you should read them, too. It's quite a life you lived out there. You should be proud of your accomplishments."

"I don't have to read them. I was there. And those 'accomplishments,' as you call them, are what got me a ten-year sentence in prison."

"Only because the powers that be were afraid to admit you were right." Rita smiled. "This man, Chakotay, must really be something. I found his insights on you quite revealing. In fact, I now understand why you are the way you are. Maybe you could learn something new about what happened out there by seeing things from his perspective."

"No, thanks."

Rita chuckled. "And here I thought you were fearless. What are you afraid of, Kathryn? Denying what you've done or trying to forget about it just means that you'll never change, never get better. Of course it will hurt to face the truth, but you'll be a better person for it." They stared at each other a minute, the animosity growing between them. "I dare you to read the books."

"You dare me?" Kathryn was livid, but Rita just laughed and found a new place to sit, leaving the books where she'd placed them. Kathryn stared at the PADDs in front of her. Was it fear that kept her from reading them? Was she afraid of what she'd done, of the actions she'd taken? She had never in her life backed down from a challenge, and she decided this wasn't the time to start. She picked up the first PADD and started reading.

* * *

Chakotay was surprised. When he'd taken Gretchen to the desk at the visitor's complex, he'd been asked to speak to a Dr. Restin in the counseling section. He took Kathryn's mother to the visitor's lounge, and then found his way to Restin's office. The young, red-headed psychiatrist was waiting for him, greeting him warmly.

"Come in, Dr. Chakotay, and have a seat. The receptionist said you accompany Kathryn Janeway's mother on her visits, so I took advantage of that to talk to you privately."

"Yes, I come every two weeks. Gretchen Janeway is getting up in years and needs my help. And, please, my name is Chakotay."

Restin nodded. "All right. Chakotay. You probably wonder why I asked to talk to you."

"I assume it's about Kathryn. Has she finally sought counseling?"

"Well, all inmates get group counseling, of course, but she was a reluctant participant. She attended the meetings, but never contributed anything. Until now, that is. This week, I began seeing her alone."

"That's good. Right?"

The doctor nodded as she placed three PADDs on her desk. "You sent these to her, correct?"

Chakotay's stomach turned over with dread. He'd sent them to her even though he knew they would upset her. "Yes. I thought she should read them. They were about our experiences on Voyager, and she was the key person on the ship. It was her dedication that got us home, even though she'd say it was the admiral who did it. Without her, we'd still be out there." He shifted uncomfortably. "Frankly, I didn't think she'd read them."

"Apparently she threw them away, but her roommate found them, read them, and challenged her to read them, too." The doctor sighed. "I wish I could say they had had a positive effect on her emotional condition."

Suddenly, Chakotay was afraid for his friend. He had never considered how deeply the books might affect her. "What happened?"

"She's deeply depressed. She refuses to leave her quarters, eats little or nothing, never sleeps, and is prone to periods of anger and remorse. We've put her in an isolation unit where she's under a constant observation."

"Do you mean that you think she might commit suicide? Kathryn? You must be kidding."

"Depressed individuals are capable of self-harm, Chakotay." She picked up one of the PADDs and glanced through the first few pages.

"Does her mother know about these problems?"

"Someone is speaking to her now, before she sees Kathryn." She put down the PADD and gazed at him steadily. "The captain in these books is certainly an admirable person. A leader. Courageous to a fault. Daring. Innovative. Disciplined and yet caring. Active and involved in every phase of the ship's business. Here, Kathryn's been introspective and retiring. A loner. Quiet and uninvolved. It makes me wonder what kind of counseling she received following Voyager's return."

"To my knowledge, she had very little counseling. And as for Voyager's return? She didn't handle it. There was never time. We arrived home, and the Maquis members of the crew were in immediate danger of imprisonment. Kathryn was like a lion protecting her cubs. Once we were pardoned, she was court martialed and sentenced to ten years in prison. That was two years ago. As far as I know, she never really coped with our return."

"I see." The doctor frowned and shook her head. "I'm really worried about her, Chakotay, and I've asked her to talk to you."

"Good luck. She refuses to see me."

"I know. I'm working on that. I may call you sometime and ask you to come here as soon as possible. It might be the middle of the night."

"Call me any time. I'll be here. I care deeply for Kathryn and want to help her."

"She's lucky to have a friend like you."

"I'm the lucky one, Doc."

* * *

A few days later, Dr. Restin walked into the tiny cell where Kathryn Janeway sat motionless on the cot, staring through the tiny window at the blue sky. The door was left open behind her, but Kathryn still complained about claustrophobia. She wondered how a former Starfleet captain had handled all those years on cramped starships.

"Kathryn? It's Colleen."

Kathryn swiveled on the cot and stared at her, and then she stood up and hugged her. "Colleen. Thanks for coming."

"What is it? What's happened?"

"I've lost her. I've lost everything."

"Who have you lost?"

"Kathryn. The captain. I'm somebody else."

Restin pulled her down onto the cot beside her. "Now start at the beginning."

"I read the books. Chakotay's books about Voyager. Have you read them?"

"Yes, I've read them."

"The Captain. Kathryn Janeway? She's gone. I'm not that person any more. I don't know who I am."

"You are Kathryn Janeway. You're the captain he's writing about."

"I can't be. I'm afraid, Colleen. I'm afraid I'll never be myself again. I don't know how to be that woman any more."

"You are who you are. The problem is that you've isolated yourself too much. You need to reconnect to your friends, with your crew."

Kathryn stood up and started to pace. "I don't want them to see me here, in prison like this. If I were a good captain, I wouldn't be here."

"You underestimate your friends. I know some of them, and I know that they love and respect you. I've never heard anyone on your crew say anything disrespectful or unfair about you. They believe you're the best captain they've ever served under, and they think this conviction is wrong and your imprisonment an injustice. They miss you and want to see you."

"They want to see me?"

"Your first officer, Chakotay, has been here every two weeks since you first arrived. Others came, at first, but they've given up. I'm sure they'd return if they knew you would see them."

Kathryn stopped pacing and stared at her counselor. "Chakotay is still coming? After I told him not to come any more?"

"Has he always been this insubordinate?"

A ghost of a smile appeared on her face. "He always put my needs first, even when I told him not to."

"Sounds like an excellent first officer."

"He is. He was." She turned and looked out the window again. "He comes every time?"

"Of course. Would you like to see him?"

Kathryn sighed. "I would. I would like to see him."

"He told me to call him any time if you asked for him, night or day. He could be here before you know it. You don't have to wait for the next visiting day. Do you want me to call him right now?"

Kathryn turned and gave her an authoritative look. "Do it."

Two hours later, Chakotay stepped into the room and found Kathryn standing at the window, gazing at the sky, her hands held loosely behind her back. She seemed smaller and more fragile than he had ever seen her. "Kathryn."

She turned to look at him, her face unexpressive. "Chakotay. Come in. Sit down."

He perched on one end of the cot, and she sat on the opposite end, as far away from him as she could get. She looked at him for a long while, but he said nothing. This was her meeting, and he would let her proceed as she saw fit. At last she looked away. "I thought I'd told you not to come with my mother any more."

He smiled. "Are you threatening to throw me in the brig?"

Her eyes snapped up. "I'm not the captain any more, remember? And I'm the one in the brig."

Chakotay laughed. "You'll always be the captain to me, Kathryn."

"I didn't deserve the rank."

"Why? Because a bunch of desk-bound admirals second-guessed your decisions? What do they know about getting a crew across 70,000 light years? They aren't worthy to shine your boots. I was there. I know better."

She looked him in the eye, her chin high. "I read the books you sent me."

"I'm glad."

"I'm not the same person I was on Voyager. I couldn't do it again."

"You underestimate yourself, Kathryn. You can do anything you set your mind to."

"She could. I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I'm afraid." Her eyes filled with tears. Chakotay instinctively scooted down the cot and put his arm around her shoulder. He had never seen her vulnerable like this, had never really seen her cry. His heart swelled with hope.

"What are you afraid of, Kathryn?"

She looked up at him, tears falling down her face. "Everything. I'm afraid of everything."

He pulled her to him, and she buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed. "Fear can be a healthy thing, you know. Tell me. Tell me what this everything is that frightens you so much."

She spoke, her voice muffled by his chest. "All my life, I tried to be a good Starfleet officer. I held onto the rules and regulations like a lifeline. I just knew they were the best for Voyager, the best way to keep the ship going, to get home. I forced the Maquis to conform to them, and I forced . . . I forced you to observe the strictest protocols. Then, when I got home, they threw me in jail because I violated Starfleet regulations, because I was a bad Starfleet officer." She stopped talking as her body shook with crying, and Chakotay stroked her hair and her back as he soothed her. "I don't know what's right any more, Chakotay."

"Kathryn, you have to listen to me. You must listen. You did nothing wrong. You made the best possible decision every time. I know. I was there with you. If you broke a Starfleet regulation once in awhile, it was because it was what you believed was best for the crew, for the ship, and not because you were a 'bad' officer. It's unfair to judge a Delta Quadrant decision by Alpha Quadrant standards. Starfleet regulations did help us get home. But sometimes, they simply wouldn't work."

She gingerly put her arms around his waist. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. I was hoping you'd appeal your sentence on those grounds, but you wouldn't even talk to me. You accepted their decision as if they were infallible."

She sniffed, and he fished a handkerchief out of his pocket, smiling as she blew her nose. "I thought they were infallible."

"Well, now you know better."

She pulled away from him, her eyes red with tears. "So, you don't think of me as a criminal?"

He smiled. "Do you think of me as a criminal?"

"No. I don't."

"I had to be a criminal to be pardoned, Kathryn."

The corner of her mouth turned up slightly. "A minor technicality."

He gently brushed her hair away from her face. "You, Kathryn, are my hero."

She covered his hand with her own. "I never wanted to be anyone's hero, Chakotay."

"Real heroes don't. They just do what they know they have to do because it's right and necessary. The whole crew thinks of you as their hero. They miss you."

She whispered, "I miss them."

"Maybe that's the problem, Kathryn. You can't be a ship's captain without a crew."

She leaned toward him, wanting to feel the warm comfort of his embrace again. "Or a first officer."

He gently put his arms around her and cradled her against his chest until she relaxed against him and her breathing became deep and regular with sleep. She was still sleeping when he left her on her cot late that afternoon.

* * *

Once Kathryn allowed Chakotay and the rest of the crew to visit her, she improved quickly. In less than six months, she applied for and received parole and even began to talk to her lawyer about appealing the verdict. Gretchen and Chakotay had been waiting for her upon her release, and they escorted her to a huge welcome home party in San Francisco. Every member of Voyager's crew that could manage to come was present, as was every member of her family. Tom Paris brought down the house when, at the end of his impromptu speech, he said, "Now that we have our captain back, we're truly home."

Exhausted by the excitement and the change of time zones, Kathryn collapsed into her childhood bed and slept for sixteen straight hours. She woke up in the early twilight, the golden rays of the setting sun casting leafy shadows on the wall. Downstairs, she could hear her mother and Chakotay talking. After a quick shower, she appeared at the kitchen door, surprised at how natural it seemed for Chakotay to be there with her mother. Then she realized that he had been a frequent visitor in her absence.

"Good afternoon, sleepy head." Gretchen laughed when her daughter stuck out her tongue. "There's fresh coffee on the stove."

"Great." She poured a cup and sipped it gratefully, turning to look at the two people relaxed at the kitchen table. "What's going on?"

"Chakotay's been working on something to help with my aches and pains. He just finished up this afternoon."

He smiled. "I'm amazed that you slept through all the noise."

"Two and a half years in a dormitory helps," she said, smiling back. "So what is this medical miracle?"

Chakotay stood up. "I'll show you."

He led her to the back door, and then insisted that she close her eyes. She felt the cool September breeze against her face as he helped her down three steps to the back porch. "Okay. Open your eyes."

The porch, once open to the elements, now had windows that could be opened to the fresh air or closed to the cold, and the area of the porch itself had been nearly doubled. On the far side, in the new area, sat a heated hot tub full of steaming water. "Oh, my," she said softly, remembering a similar surprise on a planet half a galaxy away. "A bathtub."

"Not a bathtub, silly," her mother teased. "A whirlpool spa. If I weren't so tired, I'd try it out tonight." She winked at Chakotay. "Kathryn, you must be starving. Let me fix you something for dinner. Or is it breakfast?"

Kathryn ate a huge plate of sausage, eggs, and biscuits as they talked over the party and the horde of people celebrating her parole. She had been nearly overwhelmed by the outpouring of affection from what she called "both of her families," the one from Indiana and the one from Voyager. She finally finished eating and sat back with her third cup of coffee. "This is wonderful, being here. Are you sure you two aren't an item?"

Gretchen blushed and laughed when Chakotay dead-panned an answer, "I guess I'm a sucker for Janeway women."

"Why don't you two go for a walk. I know Kathryn needs it. I'm going to clean up here and go to bed." Gretchen leaned down and kissed her daughter. "Once you're back on our schedule, we'll have some nice long talks."

"A walk would be nice," Kathryn agreed. "Are you up for it, Chakotay?"

He stood up. "Let's go."

They pulled on light jackets and started down the lane. "Where shall we go?" she asked.

"I've never wandered far from the house. I'll just follow you."

"Okay." She walked along a farm road that led, eventually, to a lake the family Lab used to use as his personal swimming pool on hot summer days. The sun set, and a full moon appeared over the trees. "Look at that, Chakotay! It's beautiful."

"The best moon in the Alpha or Delta Quadrant," he agreed.

She slipped an arm through his and walked on in silence, enjoying his company without feeling the need for chitchat. In her last months at the penal colony, Kathryn had allowed Chakotay to come with her mother on her weekends and with the members of Voyager's crew on the others. She was overjoyed to see the senior staff and was touched when every single crewman found a weekend to visit, often in groups of ten or more. Eventually, her friendship with Chakotay reasserted itself fully. The crew was delighted, but Chakotay was skeptical and kept his distance. She had shut him out completely for too long. For now, he was satisfied to be with her and help her adjust to her newfound liberty.

The lake was stunning. The moonlight sparkled on the water like diamonds, but the breeze across the water was cold. Kathryn shivered and put her arm around Chakotay's waist for warmth. "Are you cold?" he asked, draping his arm over her shoulders and pulling her close.

"I felt a chill from the water, I think. There used to be a little bench in that grove of trees. I liked to walk here with Mollie and watch her romp." As they strolled in that direction, Kathryn said, "I can't believe you didn't do some exploring of the area, Chakotay. You love nature, and this part of Indiana is breathtaking."

He smiled down at her. "Your mother isn't up to all this walking, and besides, I wanted to wait until you could show it to me."

For some reason, his comment brought tears to her eyes. "That's a nice thing to say."

"It's the truth," he said, squeezing her shoulders and then pointing toward a shadowed alcove. "Is that the bench?"

"Yes." The glade was naturally cool, even on hot summer days, and tonight it felt near freezing. Kathryn settled next to Chakotay on the bench and nestled into his shoulder. "You're nice and warm."

"Like a bear."

"Like you. Warm and comfortable."

"I'm flattered." He felt her sigh and relax against him. "You aren't going back to sleep, are you?"

She chuckled. "Maybe. It's such a treat to spend this much time with you without watching the clock, or wondering if a guard is spying on us."

They sat for several minutes watching the moonrise and listening to the night sounds around them. Chakotay would occasionally tell her what bird they heard, or what insect was chirping. "Is there an ancient legend about the cricket?" she'd ask, teasing, only to laugh harder when he said there was and started telling it to her. "Enough, enough," she protested, chuckling.

"It's late, Kathryn," he finally said, "and I didn't sleep the day away. I have classes to teach tomorrow, you know."

"You're not staying?" She sat up and looked at him, incredulous. "We have to try out the spa!"

"Not tonight." He stood up and pulled her off of the bench. "I'll be back Saturday."

"But this is only Wednesday."

"I don't live here, Kathryn, and I have obligations at school. I already cancelled classes once this week to escort you home and stay for the party. You don't want me to lose my job, do you?"

She wanted to stomp her foot like a spoiled child, but instead she said, "What about tomorrow night?"

"I have a departmental meeting that will last through dinner." He started back toward the road.

"Friday night?"

He stopped and gave her a long look. She could tell that he didn't want to discuss his plans. "I have a previous commitment."

Her heart fell. She suspected that he hadn't been a monk while she was in prison. He'd had several other liaisons in the Delta Quadrant, so why wouldn't he have them here? Just because she hadn't had the opportunity for companionship didn't mean that he wouldn't have been dating someone. She looked away, trying to hide her disappointment. She reminded herself that she had no right to be jealous and that she had begged him to move on. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm pushing. Of course, you have a life elsewhere."

"It isn't like that. I'm babysitting for Tom and B'Elanna. I didn't want to tell you because they were planning to come here and surprise you. Maybe they'll try out the spa with you."

The relief she felt showed all over her face. "Oh, Chakotay! Why don't they bring the children with them? Then you could come, too."

"Are you really ready for the chaos of the Paris children?"

"Why not? Phoebe's kids are close in age, and Mom has lots of experience with children. They'd have the whole farm to explore. And, best of all, we could all be together."

"Well," he drawled, suddenly unsure of himself. "I could mention it."

"I'll call them myself and invite them. I'll make it an order!"

He laughed. "That should do it." She snuggled close to him as they walked, and he was thrilled that she was at last becoming the Kathryn he'd known on New Earth, open, vivacious, funny, and warm. He'd always loved her, always, but at times like this, he felt as if his heart would burst. "Your mom lets me use the transporter in the study," he said as they climbed the stairs onto the porch.

"It's two hours earlier in San Francisco," she reminded him. "Couldn't you stay just a few minutes longer?"

"I know about the time difference, Kathryn. In fact, I'm counting on it. I have papers to grade before tomorrow's classes, and a lecture to review."

"Where did you learn to be such a workaholic?" she teased, remembering her own interminable hours on Voyager. She stepped close to him at the door. "Will you call me?"

"I don't want to be a pest." He was quite aware of her proximity. He could feel the heat from her body, the floral smell of her shampoo. She looked up at him, and he fell into her eyes.

"I've never really thanked you for all you've done for me, Chakotay. If it hadn't been for your refusal to give up on me, I'd still be in a blue funk in New Zealand, feeling sorry for myself." She pulled open the door and gestured for him to enter. "You know all the best ways to pester me."

"You would've come out of it sooner or later."

"Not without you. I've leaned on you relentlessly. I'm surprised you still put up with me."

"Just a glutton for punishment, I guess."

They walked down the hall to the transporter where Kathryn accessed the coordinates for the transporter station near his apartment complex in San Francisco. She looked up at him. "I know this sounds strange, since we've been apart almost all of the last two years, but I'm going to miss you."

"You'll have to come visit me sometime. We need to experience Chell's café in Oakland, and I'd love to introduce you to my friends at the University."

"It's a date," she agreed, thinking it was strange that Chakotay had friends she didn't know. "The sooner the better."

"Goodnight, Kathryn." He stepped onto the platform and looked at her. Her hair was long, hanging halfway down her back, and she looked tiny, waif- like, in the moonlit room. He was tempted to run off of the transporter pad and embrace her.

"Goodnight, Chakotay. See you soon." She activated the transporter and, if he saw things right, blew a kiss toward him as he dematerialized.

* * *

The Friday night plans fell through. Hank, Tom and B'Elanna's younger child, spiked a fever and threw up all over his nanny Friday afternoon. Then, Chakotay, who was a consultant to Starfleet, was called to Jupiter Station for an early Saturday morning meeting. He dreaded calling Kathryn Friday afternoon with the bad news.

"Chakotay! You can't mean it. Jupiter Station?"

"There was a problematic first contact in the Beta Quadrant, and they want me to look at the raw data."

She blinked back tears of disappointment. "When will I see you again?"

"Why don't you beam to San Francisco Sunday afternoon?"

"Phoebe and Matt are coming for dinner with their kids."

"Oh. Well, that won't work, then." He shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe one evening next week."

She felt like throwing a tantrum. One evening would just be a three or four hour chat, not a day-long visit. "Which evening?"

"Monday?"

"What time?"

"Be here at 1800 my time. I'm sending the coordinates for the transporter in my office building. We'll get some prawns, and then do Ghirardelli's."

"Okay. Monday at 1800."

"Say hello to everyone for me." He could see she was sad and felt terrible about letting her down, especially since Tom and B'Elanna had to cancel out, too. "I'm really sorry, Kathryn."

"Me, too. It can't be helped. I'll see you Monday."

She was still moping three hours later. "What you need, Kathryn, is a job," her mother scolded, "or a hobby. Something to take your mind off of being lonely."

"What I need, Mother, is a vacation."

Gretchen's face brightened. "Why not? I'll go with you. Shall we go someplace exotic?"

"The Delta Quadrant was enough 'exotic' to last a lifetime, Mom. How about Italy?" Her parents had often taken Kathryn and Phoebe there when her father had taken a few days off. "Good food. Great beaches. Wonderful wine."

"When do we leave?" Gretchen was excited.

Kathryn didn't hesitate. "Tuesday morning?"

They spent the rest of Friday scheduling their trip. Kathryn needed everything from underwear to casual clothing to a couple of fancy dresses, so they spent Saturday afternoon in Chicago shopping, eating a scandalously delicious lunch, and taking in a matinee performance of a popular comedy at the theater. By the time Phoebe and her family left late Sunday night, their vacation reservations were made and their bags were packed. She was looking forward to her week of total relaxation when Chakotay called late Sunday evening.

"It's a good thing we didn't make plans for this afternoon," he admitted. She could see how tired he was by the way he rubbed his face. "The meeting went late last night and reconvened this morning for another marathon."

She wanted desperately to see him, but she was worried that the long weekend followed by a day of teaching would be too much. "You're exhausted. Maybe we should forego tomorrow night until after Mom and I are back from Italy."

He sat up, suddenly attentive. "Italy? What about Italy?"

"Oh, we decided to take a few days off. We leave Tuesday morning for a much needed vacation—six days in Tuscany." His face fell, and she could tell he was unhappy at the news. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm just tired," he lied. "A vacation is exactly what you need. I'm glad you thought of it."

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay." Her image disappeared from the screen, and Chakotay rubbed his face again with his hands. Why was he upset to hear that Kathryn was going to Italy for some time off? She'd spent the last two years in a penal colony, after all, and the seven years before that trapped on Voyager. He chastised himself for not suggesting a trip earlier.

As he prepared for bed, he came to realize that his discomfort came from his being used to having Kathryn stay in one place, in complete isolation, while he went about his work with the knowledge that she would be right where he'd left her. Now, she was independent and could go and do whatever she wanted without his knowledge. He didn't like the feeling, didn't like the idea that her life could include people and experiences without him. He wondered when, and if, he would ever get over his hopeless attraction toward her.

* * *

The Monday night date didn't happen, either. Chakotay's university department convened an unscheduled meeting that lasted well into the evening hours. By the time he'd finally contacted her, she was half-asleep and more than a little exasperated with him.

"Honestly, Chakotay, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were avoiding me."

"That's not it, I promise," he smiled. "We'll just put it off by a week and get together next Monday, after you and Gretchen get back from Tuscany."

What was a week, when they'd gone months without seeing each other, she told herself. She'd stay busy taking long hikes, sailing in the Mediterranean, exploring the museums and cathedrals in the nearby cities. Time would fly by.

It rained, hard, pretty much the entire time they were there. After struggling to do some sight-seeing the first three days, Kathryn and her mother gave up and relaxed in their rooms or the lobby of the hotel, haunting the covered balcony and occasionally losing a few credits in the casino.

By Friday night, Kathryn was ready to go home. She stood at the window of their suite watching the rain and thinking of Chakotay, wondering if he was as lonely as she was that night.

Gretchen approached her. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"I just realized that tomorrow is visiting day in New Zealand, the first one I've missed since I went to prison."

"In some ways, I'll miss those trips. I liked having Chakotay to myself, you know." Gretchen studied her daughter's face and sighed. "You two are simply too hard to believe. Kathryn, you've been home for years. He's no longer your first officer. Neither of you is in Starfleet." She gently turned Kathryn around so she could look her daughter in the eye. "Isn't it time to be honest with yourselves and each other?"

"Honest?"

"You're in love with each other, Kathryn! I wish I had a credit for every time you've mentioned his name in the last two weeks. And he's been so faithful to you, never missing a weekend in New Zealand, always finding time for you, helping me come and see you."

Kathryn looked miserable. "I think it's too late for us."

"I don't. And really, Katie, if you don't make a move soon, I may just have to stake a claim of my own."

"Mother!"

"Well, why not? He's already admitted that he has a weakness for Janeway women!"

Kathryn laughed and gave her mother a hug. "Well, I'd better not waste any more time."

"That's the best news I've heard in years," her mother replied.

* * *

They sat at a restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf sharing a cup of coffee, having just finished eating a huge platter of prawns. Kathryn was enjoying the bustle of the early evening crowd, relishing her first chance to mingle with people. The silence between them was comfortable and familiar, a welcome relief after the last few days of tension.

Chakotay studied his former captain out of the corner of his eye. In the two weeks since her release from the penal colony, she had gained some weight and had slept better than she had in years, she informed him. She looked ten years younger, especially with her long hair caught up in a French braid, with just the right touch of makeup. He'd noticed more than one man eyening her slender, petite figure as they'd walked to their table, and the personality and vivacity he'd occasionally glimpsed in the Delta Quadrant were now in full flower.

She was intoxicating.

Kathryn noticed his careful regard and smiled. "Have I changed that much, Chakotay?"

"You seem happier than I ever remember you being, except maybe near the end of our stay on New Earth. Or maybe on Quarra. And when you smile, every man in the restaurant seems to stare at you."

"I could say the same thing about the women and your dimples, you know."

He sat back, enjoying the relaxing evening only to frown when Kathryn stiffened and looked away, hiding her face from the people walking in the door. He turned to see a group of Starfleet officers entering the restaurant and suddenly understood her discomfort. "What do you say we take a walk along the dock?"

She nodded silently, grabbing her sweater and ducking quickly out of a side door and into the half-light of early evening. She looked up at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. Whenever I see a Starfleet uniform, I feel like I want to run away and hide."

"Perfectly understandable," he replied. "I think they're ugly, too."

"It's not that," she grinned. "They remind me of all I've lost. Of all my mistakes."

He stopped and faced her, taking her shoulders into his hands. "I do understand how you feel, Kathryn, and I'm sorry you feel that way. I think you should put all that behind you and start looking toward the future. Maybe we should avoid dining in locations that are so overwhelmingly Starfleet?"

"Starfleet is San Francisco, Chakotay. And we can't avoid San Francisco as long as you're living here. I'll just have to get used to the fact that my career is really gone forever. That I need to move on with my life. I'm not in Starfleet anymore, and I don't even think I want to consult for them, like you are."

"A clean break. Moving on with your life is a good idea." He pulled her arm through his and led her down the dock. "So, have you had time to think about what happens now?"

"You sound like my mother. 'You need to get a job, Katie. You need to find something productive to do. You need to take charge of your life.'"

"Sooner or later, you do, but in your own time. You've been under incredible stress for most of the last ten years. I think you need to deal with all that first and then, when you're ready, move on."

"I feel so strange. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. Not a clue. Since I was old enough to imagine a job, I saw myself in a Starfleet uniform, making my way up the ranks until I was old enough to retire or I died with my boots on. I never even considered doing anything else."

"Once again, the fates have conspired against you." They stopped at the end of a pier, watching the seals swim through the waves for the treats the tourists threw them. "You'll just have to come up with a new plan, Kathryn."

She shivered, snuggling closer to him. "It's been a long time since I've put a plan of any kind together, not since Voyager. It occurs to me that you were pretty instrumental in helping me with all those Delta Quadrant plans. Do you have any words of wisdom?"

"I think you should start by deciding what it is that you most want, and then figuring out how to get it."

She looked up at him, her eyes luminous in the gathering darkness. "That's not an easy question to answer. Do you know what you want?"

"In fact," he smiled, cradling her cheek in his hand and looking deeply into her eyes, "I do."

"I can do anything I want?" She moved closer to him, slipping her arms around his waist. "Anything?

He put his arms around her and pulled her close. "Anything."

"What a liberating idea."

He smiled down at her. "It is, isn't it?"

She turned and watched the seals frolicking in the water, resting her head on his shoulder. "I want to take my time, Chakotay. I want to be very sure every step of the way. I've lost too many years out of my life already to waste any more now."

"So, what first?"

"Well," she sighed, "first I need to take care of unfinished business. You know, tie up any loose strings. Answer any unanswered questions."

"Come to terms with the past."

"Exactly." There was a long silence before she continued. "I want to start by doing some anthropological research. Will you help me?"

He couldn't keep the surprise from his face. "Am I hearing right? Kathryn Janeway wants to look into something other than the stars?"

"I want to do some research on an ancient legend I once heard about an angry warrior. I'm not sure I ever heard the end of the story."

Chakotay froze in place, afraid to breathe. "I'm not sure it's been written yet," he answered, his voice a whisper. "It was a work in progress."

"Then perhaps it's time to finish it?" She looked up at him, her eyes swimming with tears. "I have some suggestions."

"I wrote the beginning," he said, his heart singing with joy at what he hoped she was going to say. "I think it's only right that you write the ending."

"But that's so easy," she said, snuggling into his arms, feeling at peace for the first time in years. "They lived together happily ever after."

He smiled and kissed the top of her head. "I love happy endings."

The End


End file.
